Friday, November 6, 2009

Narrative (Second Draft) :)

On a brisk winter morning, in Biology class, we were planning the fun night ahead. ‘We’, being Dionna and I.
“I can’t wait for tonight! It’s going to be the best by far.” I said excitedly.
“Me neither. You can come to my game tonight and then come home with me or my parents can pick you up from Donna’s afterwards.” Dionna replied.
I had no interest in basketball and the directions she gave me to her house completely confused me, so I chose to be picked up afterwards. Both Dionna’s physical appearance and personality are difficult to explain. At this time, she had long blonde hair with brown highlights and braces. She’s tall and sort of pale, but not extremely. Her emotions are fairly easy to read. Whether she’s upset or happy, you know it. She’s extremely upfront and will tell you exactly how she feels whether it’s harsh or not. Some could see that as a bad thing. But I personally see it as just being honest.
It was the first night I was spending at her house and we were sure it was going to be a blast. I sat on Donna’s porch in the cold weather waiting for Dionna and her parents to pull up. Eventually they did and I happily got in since I was freezing! Her sister, Kylie, was one of the most hyper kids I’ve ever met. She kept saying ‘My parents are hippies’ and I think she talked about liking to hool-a-hoop a lot but I don’t quite remember. The car ride was quiet for the most part, probably because it was late and I assume everyone was pretty tired from a long day.
When we got to her house we watched some television and talked about Guitar Hero. It sounds boring but it was fun. Usually, I feel awkward around my friends families until I get to know them. But I felt right at home in her house and around her family. I think it had something to do with the fact that her parents made me think of my own. Once her parents went to bed the childish fun began.
“We should totally duct tape our legs together and then walk around!” One of us said, I don’t remember which. Our minds both work pretty much the same. That’s one of the reasons we’re so awesome when we’re together.
“I’m in. Give the camera to Kylie so she can take pictures” I said.
As we began to tape our legs together we realized that it couldn’t have been a good idea. But, we were having fun so did it really matter? We waddled around her house for a good half hour. Laughing uncontrollably, falling over, and taking tons of pictures. We were lucky that the tape was on over our pants so we didn’t feel much when we ripped it off. I can’t say we were that lucky when we taped our arms together. Nor that it was as fun. When we taped our arms together it didn’t obstruct any common movement. We could have stayed like that for hours without any inconvenience. When we decided it was time to rip the tape off it was pure pain. I’m almost sure we each lost a patch of our arm hair. But, it was so worth it!
Eventually, after a long night of fun, we crashed. I don’t think either of us budged the entire night. The next morning we woke to pancakes and sausage that her Dad had made. Now, spending the night at her house is almost a weekly occurrence. Every time is just as fun as the first.

1 comment:

  1. Dear Robin,

    I read your second draft and I was really pleased to see that you have changed a lot of things. It looks better than the first draft Congratulations! However, there are a few comments that I would like to share with you in order to make the third draft, and I hope that it would be the final one, perfect:) First my advice is to restrain from using words and phrases like “blast,” “sort of,” “bad,” “fun,” “thing.” Another thing that is good to take out of your paper are the conjunctions – write “she is” instead of “she’s.” A good advice that I once received from my elder sister, that still is very helpful to me, was when I write my essays to try to not use the “-ing” form of the verbs. It makes the whole story sound better and I prefer it  I thing my teachers prefer it as well. You missed some commas, it is very important to check your work when you finish it!!! Don’t forget that!!! Another recommendation that I want to give you is to be careful how you start your sentences. You cannot start a sentence with “but,” “because,” or repeat “I…,” “I…” again and again. This repetition makes your work boring and we do not want that! I see that the night that you described was great  Happy New Year!! I hope you have many nights like that during 2010

    Sincerely,

    Maria

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